When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
