I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
