Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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