ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
