my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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