I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
