I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
