Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
