Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
