2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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