I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
