My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
