two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
