Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
