is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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