Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
