If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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