I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
