areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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