Just fell off a train. Bad.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
His hands were made for my vagina.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
