Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
