can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hate all girls vehemently.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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