He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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