I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
