You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
