if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
