It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
