let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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