Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
