dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
