i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
