6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
