you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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