The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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