I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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