Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
