I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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