I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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