You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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