Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My bed smells like the plague
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
