I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
