Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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