also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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