wrigley field is MILF paradise
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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