I hate your face
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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