I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
