So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
