I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
