she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
