I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
